FUNNY JOKES

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350." "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

1. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. 2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One . . . . . men will screw anything. 3. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. 4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don?t have balls to scratch. 5. What is a man?s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. 6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He?s breathing. 7. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. 8. What do men and beer bottles have in common. They are both empty from the neck up. 9. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? 10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows. . . . . .It?s never been done. 11. How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped. 12. What is a man?s idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 13. What is the difference between men and E.T.? E.T. called home. 14. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 15. Do you know why there?s a hole in a man?s penis? So he can get air to his brain. 16. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. 17. How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got a lot of gas. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it help me get rid of all this gas so I won't fart any more?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Then the following week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."